Being away from India, I am gratefully spared the media blitz and magnified focus on the Indian cricket team, the trite jingles and product plugs following every cheap dismissal, the hopelessly contrived advertising that incorporates cricket or cricket balls into their product or service even though said product/service has nothing whatsoever to do with cricket, only to be followed by 5 other cricket themed ads, therefore making all advertising forgettable and bland by association.

However I am getting all 16 channels of Doordarshan, and I caught this gem of a jingle the morning that Bangladesh won against India. It airs every time Vision World Cup, a 1 hour show on DD starts. In this show, cricketing experts Chetan Sharma and the former woman’s cricket team captain provide analysis and smalltalk. (It sucks balls not to have cable, in shart)

India’s hopes look like they’re upto the rain gods and other whimsy. And following the recent rubbishing of Mahendrilock‘s house, I was busy musing about what the Indian public will do with their massive pent up rage that is sure to be whipped up into a frenzy by the Match Ka Mujrim style media.

Because I can guarantee you that there will be blood on the streets if India fails to make it to the super 8. Here’s what will happen, chronologically.

Fri 23 Mar: In a one sided match between India and Sri Lanka, India does a poor chase of Sri Lanka’s meagre 210, despite optimistic statements by experts like Krishnamachari Srikanth and Chetan Sharma, which seem to have no bearing on reality though previously assumed otherwise. In a bungled chase, the entire bottom half of the batting order collapses for less than 10 runs, thanks to some expert fielding and poor running between the wickets. Mutthaiah is the Man of the Match.

Friday 24’th – Bal Thackeray reopens his file on list of minority groups to antagonise, and declares a fatwa on Bangladeshi immigrants in Bombay. The Uddhav and Raj factions unify under this clarion call with full support, and the day ends with Shiv Sainiks mobbing and greviously injuring 3 Bangladeshis with cricket bats and shoving of cricket ball in most unhygenic ways and places. India Today makes a cover story out of it, which quickly becomes the new

Friday 25’th – The league table finally closes and India confirm their return ticket, landing separately at midnight hours at the Lohegaon international airport. A special army squad is brought in to beef up security and prevent a backlash. A special 3 squad car carrying Dhoni to his hotel is intercepted by a leak between taxi drivers, who take him straight to a hideout where he is unceremoniously scalped. His sobbing whimpers and cries of lament are recorded and posted on, and watched with much schadenfreude and glee by all internet peoples.

Friday 26’th – Nike fires its marketing team and ad agency and created this ad and
switches loyalties to that other spectacularly overrated failure: Sania Mirza.

Friday 27’th – Sitaram Yechuri, V.S. Achuthanandan, and other cricket experts bellow vociferously in the Parliament calling for an end to Dravid’s captaincy, while Greg Chappell posts new management gems on

Friday 28’th – The entire team, fearing a similar backlash following Dhoni’s scalping moves with family to the gated communities of Sahara Parivar in the Sahyardris.

Friday 29’th – Mobs of pseudo-socialist bongs articulate their rage against capitalism and its insidious corruption of cricket by emptying hundreds of bottles of Pepsi in the gutters. This is quickly picked up by all news channels and aired internationally on CNN.

April -July:
Corporations begin to reconsider their investment options, and the much vaunted Indian economy starts “overheating”.

Hating cricket becomes the new cool. Sprite makes Cricket themed spoofs, even Lux underwear and baniyan ads bash cricket, with an ad where Sunny Deol intimidates a wally donned in batting regalia with a hockey stick.

Drinking Irish beer becomes the new national past time.

India continues its experiments with its cricketing order, scraping deep into the barrel of Indian talent. It digs out experienced campaigners from this dry well: Sujith Somasundar, Dodda Ganesh, Venkatapaty Raju, and Debashish Mohanty. adds:

we will loose to lanka
and a torrent of slippers and chappals will invite the team back
a placcard from the match will be tois front page
India reach barbados or stay back in trinidad
with the caption: home coming
accompanied by an image of dravid bleeding from the forehead
wincing in pain as a mob hounds the team
horrified at the outcome, bcci will be dissolved
and hockey will coem to the fore


BCCI will become a centralised state controlled entity
with sitaram yechury as president
there will be a new ministry of cricket
the position will be fought for eagerly
india will continue to romanticize 1983
and before each world cup

there will be a special magnasound artiste compilation
Like Memes? Funnies? Epic Longreads? Hit Subscribe!

2 Responses