In a BBC show called Time Trip, which discussed the possible ways man could traverse time, the presenters arrived at the conclusion that in the future computers could become so powerful that they could simulate virtual realities the earth itself, in different eras.

So if you had a kink for the Victorian age, you could login to your MMORPG, dial 1850, and smoke opium with Dorian Gray. And the super computer would simulate every other human being out there for your entertainment. That would take solipsism to a whole new level, but then again, Hell is other people.


I’m playing a Lo-fi-pre-beta version of that, with EA Sports Cricket 2007. In which, the agony of India’s defeat has been overwhelmed by the masturbatory pap of glorious victory for my sovereign nation on my PS2.

I began my glorious World Cup campaign by sending all the cricket players to a gulag so they could dig mass graves for themselves. My comrades in China provided manufactured clones, with names like S. Gungly, R. Dravia, V. Seway and S. Tendehar. My new team had no affiliations or sponsorships to any brand or corporation, except to swear allegiance to our glorious country.


In my first Bangladesh match, I scored 350 runs in 27 overs, after which I used the auto play feature until my score reached 455/8 in 50 overs. The big scorer was Seway, who managed a 225 run partnership with Gemphir, the whole left hand right hand combination working out very well indeed. I won this match by about 200 runs, with 26 sixes in one innings.

Bermuda and Sri-Lanka fell meekly like bowling pins, in spite of putting 270-320 runs on the board. Thanks to the save game feature, I managed to chase these totals before the captains could get out of Power Play mode. With only two fielders outside the circle, Seway would befuddle the opposition by hitting consecutive sixes in the covers, straight back at the bowler, and then one on the on-side. He would repeat this every over, managing his fifty in about 11 deliveries, and his hundred in about 25. This, my friends is how you play Cricket.

In the Super 8’s, I defeated Australia, West Indies, England, New Zealand and South Africa with formidable victories that stamped the boot of Indian cricket on their collective faces. Shane Bond, Mc Grath, Brett Lee, Flintoff and Pollock bowled the most expensive overs of their respective careers, as their balls relentlessly whizzed back at high trajectory angles.

I’m in the Semi-finals now, and I shall finish the series while taking on half the gods in Greek mythology during my free time.

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  • footballnath

    Man since when did you become so passionate about cricket?
    Something i’m missing?